When those who are most important to us seem cool, maybe a little uncomfortable with too much emotional display, or even rejecting of our need of them, it is likely that we will learn to contain our eagerness to be close and hide any hint that it hurts to be rebuffed and denied. Avoidance, in this sense, isn’t necessarily a physical avoidance of closeness, but rather an avoidance of showing too much dependency and too much emotion in case one is rejected and suffers hurt. As a consequence, avoidant people feel anxious whenever their feelings become strongly aroused. They fear rejection or ridicule. Intimacy is desired, even pursued, but it increases anxiety and hesitation. So, emotions can’t be trusted as a guide to action. Thinking is safer than feeling. Being rational and in control is better than letting your emotions run away with you. Each attachment pattern represents a behavioural strategy that helps the individual adapt as best they can to the quality and character of the close relationship environment in which they find themselves. Insecure attachments make sense under the circumstances.
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